Birth Plans Are Not Tests: Why I Focus On Preferences, Not Perfection
Why I Focus On Preferences, Not Perfection
Birth is not an exam. There is no “right” way to do it, and you cannot fail. A birth plan is not a contract you make with your body, the hospital or the universe. It is a conversation tool. A way to explore your preferences, understand your options and communicate what matters to you.
I do not create rigid, step by step birth plans with my clients. Instead, we explore preferences, possibilities and informed choices. Birth unfolds. And you deserve to feel supported through every pivot.
The problem with “birth plans”
When a birth plan is treated like a checklist, it sets up a quiet expectation:
“If I write it down, that is how it will go.”
And when it doesn’t go that way, many parents internalize something painful:
Maybe I didn’t try hard enough.
Maybe I messed up.
Maybe I failed.
You cannot fail birth.
Birth is not a performance.
You are not being graded.
There are things you can influence, and then there are things your body and baby decide.
Instead of planning every moment, we focus on:
What do you value?
What choices matter most to you?
How do you want to feel?
How do you want to be treated?
We talk through what you hope for and also what you want if the plan has to change.
A preference-based birth plan sounds like:
“I prefer to labour in water and use movement to cope. If that shifts, I want pain relief options explained clearly.”
Rather than:
“No epidural under any circumstances.”
Too many birth plans create an emotional trap.
The language boxes someone into an identity before labour even begins.
“Natural birth or bust.”
The reality? Sometimes the kindest and bravest choice is using the tool you didn’t expect to need.
You didn't fail. You made an informed decision.
You can be against a medical intervention…
until you are faced with a situation where that intervention becomes the safest, most compassionate option.
You did not fail your birth.
You responded to reality.
Flexibility is not losing control.
It is being connected to yourself through change.
How I help clients make decisions: The BRAIN tool
When a nurse or doctor suggests something, we pause and use BRAIN:
Benefits
What are the potential benefits of this option?
Risks
What are the risks or downsides?
Alternatives
What else could we try first?
Intuition
What does your gut say? What feels right?
Nothing
What happens if we wait and do nothing for 10 minutes?
This keeps you in the driver’s seat without pressure or panic. It also slows down the moment so decisions feel intentional.
The goal is not to control birth
The goal is to feel:
Safe
Supported
Respected
Informed
A birth plan should help you communicate your needs, not restrict your options.
Best case. Plan B. Emotional safety.
When I work with clients, we explore:
Best case:
If everything flows beautifully, what do you imagine?
Plan B:
If we need to pivot, what matters most?
Emotional safety:
How do you want to feel throughout the experience, no matter what?
You can plan for preferences, not perfection
Your worth as a parent is not determined by:
Whether you breastfed or formula fed
Whether you got an epidural or laboured in water
Whether it was vaginal or cesarean
What matters is this:
You made informed choices.
You listened to your body.
You stayed connected to yourself.
Your birth is not defined by how closely it matched a piece of paper.
It is defined by how you were supported through every decision.
If you want guidance exploring your preferences
In my birth prep sessions, we do not just “fill out a birth plan.”
We explore scenarios, we talk through interventions and we create confidence.
If you want that kind of support, you can reach out anytime.
You are not meant to do this alone.
And you do not have to control every detail to have a powerful birth.
